Getting Along with the Family
The family is an order and a system of relations with certain rules. While establishing this order, only the personal expectations of the spouses and their local and cultural habits should not be taken as a basis. Because both men and women come from different families. Even among the people of the same region, there may be different habits and traditions. For this reason, the family must first be built on the principles of Islam that the spouses can agree on and accept as a common point. These principles should also be taken into account in the communication between spouses, in the education of children and even in the regulation of daily life. These principles were applied by the Messenger of Allah (saw) so that he guided all believers to make a good living in the family home by establishing correct and good communication.
Some of the values that Islam emphasizes and should not be neglected in order to get along well in the family are love, compassion, privacy, justice, responsibility and kindness.
Love and mercy are the two elements that keep men and women together. The love and mercy between men and women are expressed in the Qur'an as evidence of the existence of Allah (swt).(Rum, 30/21) The fact that spouses pay attention to their cleanliness, self-care, dressing even at home, speaking, and making each other feel their love and care will feed this love created by Allah. By strengthening this love and spreading it to all family members, men and women will both attain peace and happiness and gain rewards by fulfilling their duties.
Compassion is also a core value among all members of the family. The Qur'an emphasizes this point, sometimes by reminding material duties and sometimes by giving examples of spiritual duties. While giving sadaqah and helping relatives in need, giving gifts to family members are accepted as the material form of compassion, praying for them and supporting them in their troubled times are the spiritual reflections of this compassion. Stating the following in 215th verse Surah Baqarah, Almighty Allah (swt) calls us to be compassionate: “They ask you, [O Muhammad], what they should spend. Say, "Whatever you spend of good is [to be] for parents and relatives and orphans and the needy and the traveler. And whatever you do of good - indeed, Allah is Knowing of it." In the 41st verse of the chapter of Ibrahim, He teaches us to pray and invites us to prayer: Our Lord, forgive me and my parents and the believers the Day the account is established."
Another important value that keeps the family alive is “privacy”. Many problems will arise when privacy is not respected in the relationship between spouses and between parents and children. In the Qur'an, men and women are accepted as "clothing for each other". (Baqarah, 2/187) Because when spouses share each other's flaws and good sides with others, the family's privacy limits will be exceeded, and this will lead to both family and social problems. Especially today, with new communication tools, making the family's private moments and memories open to many acquaintances or strangers causes serious problems. It is also not right to share private family problems with relatives and acquaintances instead of experts who will contribute to the solution.
Justice is also an important value for the family. Justice, which means "to be just and righteous, to act rightly, to give everything its due", is the opposite of the word persecution. Justice, which is indispensable in social and moral fields as well as in law, is one of the virtues that keep the family alive. In this regard, it is important for spouses to observe justice towards each other, their children and relatives.
Almighty Allah (swt) does not allow deviating from justice for any reason and states the following in the verse: O you who have believed, be persistently standing firm in justice, witnesses for Allah, even if it be against yourselves or parents and relatives. Whether one is rich or poor, Allah is more worthy of both. So follow not [personal] inclination, lest you not be just. And if you distort [your testimony] or refuse [to give it], then indeed Allah is ever, with what you do, Acquainted. (Nisa 4/135)
In order for there to be justice in the family, we should be able to want for our spouse what we want for ourselves, and act by putting ourselves in our spouse's shoes. Emphasizing the importance of justice among family members, the Prophet Muhammad (saw) informed us of the great reward of those who ensure justice in the family as follows: "Those who are just and fair will be with Allah, Most High, on thrones of light, at the right hand of the Most Merciful, those who are just in their rulings and in their dealings with their families and those of whom they are in charge."(Nasa'i, Adab al-Qudat, 1)
Irresponsibility, which causes the intellectual and moral collapse of a person, is one of the issues that cause injustice in the family. However, human beings are responsible for their behavior. As a matter of fact, the consciousness of servitude requires knowing the responsibility of every duty one has. It is obligatory for individuals who start a family to take on the responsibilities brought by this. Almighty Allah (swt) reminds us of this responsibility as follows: “O you who have believed, protect yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is people and stones, (Tahrim, 66/6)
We experience the amenities, pains and difficulties of life with our family and most of all we want their happiness. It is our responsibility to meet their needs and make them happy. The Messenger of Allah (saw) stated the following regarding this matter: "Of the dinar you spend as a contribution in Allah's path, or to set free a slave, or as a sadaqah given to a needy, or to support your family, the one yielding the greatest reward is that which you spent on your family." (Muslim, Zakat, 39)
In cases where the sense of responsibility is not sufficiently developed, family members are neglected, and this brings a great sin. The Prophet Muhammad (saw) stated the following in one of his hadiths: “It is sufficient sin for a man that he neglects him whom he maintains.”(Abu Dawud, Zakat, 45)
Changing working hours, differentiating lifestyles have affected the division of responsibilities and labor in the family. The city, country, and livelihoods are among the factors that affect the division of labor within the family. In fact the roles attributed to both men and women in the family have been differentiated. For example, responsibilities related to the home and taking care of children are no longer specific to women, and duties such as making money or maintaining a social life outside the home are no longer specific to men. Accordingly, the understanding of responsibility in marriage and family gradually changes. These changes should be taken into account in order not to be irresponsible and to heed the warning of the Prophet Muhammad (saw). The distribution of duties in our family should be re-evaluated, taking into account the changing daily life conditions with fairness and justice. Instead of measuring the distribution of duties of our parents, relatives and families in the country we live in, the balances, needs and conditions in our own family should be taken as a basis. Because justice is not equality and sameness. When the measure is justice, there will be no irresponsibility and injustice.
Two important elements of getting along are loyalty and politeness. The fact that spouses do not show loyalty to each other, cheat, lie and deceive means both violating the rightful share and harming the family. It is also necessary for spouses to act with kindness in their speech and behavior towards each other. It should be known that there are no examples of bad words, offending behavior and violence in the life of our Prophet (saw), and these attitudes should be avoided.
In addition to these values that keep the family alive, strong and healthy communication is also important for “being a family”. The basis of communication is to convey our ideas, feelings and thoughts to the other person. This does not always happen with words. Sometimes a look or a gesture can explain a lot to the other person. The reason why our religion orders us to pay attention to even our gestures and behaviors is that they cause some communication problems and violation of rightful share. In the surah Humazah, it is mentioned that eye movements can lead to negativity: "Woe to every scorner and mocker. Who collects wealth and [continuously] counts it."(Humazah, 104/1-2)
In communication, the effect of behaviors, moods and mimics is often more important than the spoken word. So much so that not looking at the face of the person in front of us, being indifferent and grimacing while saying the most beautiful and positive statements will remove the effect of our words. For this reason, it is necessary to pay attention to body language as well. A few basic approaches that can be applied are to turn towards our spouse while communicating, to listen or talk while looking at him/her, not to be interested in anything else such as newspaper, television, computer, and to make gestures of approval in accordance with what the other person is saying. There are three principles that should not be ignored in communication:
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