Listen Well, Understand Correctly!

Prophet Muhammad (saw) said to Aisha: “I know when you are pleased with me or angry with me.” And Aisha asked "Whence do you know that?" The Prophet Muhammad (saw) answered: “When you are pleased with me, you say, 'No, by the Lord of Muhammad'. but when you are angry with me, then you say, 'No, by the Lord of Abraham.'” And Aisha said: “Yes (you are right), but by Allah, O Allah's Messenger (saw), I leave nothing but your name.” (Bukhari, Nikah, 109)

The fact that the Messenger of Allah (saw) was able to notice when His wife was angry with Him or was pleased with Him during His conversation with Aisha is important as it shows that another basic principle of correct communication and getting along is listening. Family relationships, which are the closest form of relationship, are often damaged by carelessness and negligence in listening and understanding correctly.  

Listening well is the first rule of understanding correctly. In order to understand what our interlocutor is saying, it is necessary to listen carefully, without judgment or criticism, by asking questions that allow the other party to explain things that are not fully understood. In family dialogues, the answer to be given is often considered instead of trying to understand what the interlocutor is saying. However, in communication where there is no correct listening, problems will definitely arise. An important point in listening correctly is to follow the rule of husn adh-dhan. 

The rule of husn adh-dhan is not to act with su'u adh-dhan in family relations. In the verse Allah (swt) states: “O you who have believed, avoid much [negative] assumption. Indeed, some assumption is sin. And do not spy, or backbite each other. Would one of you like to eat the flesh of his brother when dead? You would detest it. And fear Allah; indeed, Allah is Accepting of repentance and Merciful.” (Hujurat, 49/12)Because negative and bad assumptions prevent the person from listening, understanding and communicating correctly. For this reason, the focus should be on the positive meaning that the word can have, and it should not be tried to derive different meanings from the word with prejudice. 

In family relations, husn adh-dhan is often lost, and the behaviors or the words are interpreted and understood with a negative meaning. However, interpreting the words and behavior favorably will ensure the individual to prosper in any situation. 

Another important issue in healthy communication, such as speaking well and understanding correctly, is the "win-win" approach. Communication is condemned to break when there is no common ground with the interlocutor. For this reason, spouses should not focus on getting their word or request accepted. The person who thinks that he/she has put across his request by pressure, fight or other means has actually lost in this communication, since there is no consent and approval of his/her spouse. Because the person's consent to a situation that he/she does not internalize, voluntarily and unwillingly just because his/her spouse wants it will cause problems in the long run. For this reason, it is necessary for men and women to approach their spouse's demands, wishes and ideas with respect and take steps to meet at a common ground. Because the family is a structure that all family members will lose if one of them loses. For this reason, one should not forget that while realizing a demand and desire that is not approved by family members, he will lose the peace and happiness of the joint decision. On the other hand, silencing the interlocutor by using the power of the word or trying to claim that he is right will also harm the spouses and the family. The main thing is not that one of the spouses wins the argument or is right, but the continuity of family peace and happiness. Family problems are living, constantly changing problems. In order to overcome these problems, communication within the family must be alive and strong. In order to strengthen communication in the family, it is necessary not to bring up the past problems and to be hopeful about the future. While it is necessary to improve communication environments and increase the time spent with family members, it should not be forgotten that being a family is more difficult than establishing a family and requires effort. 

Being a family is possible with the principles on which all these suggestions and practices will be based. For this reason, it is necessary to be and act principled.