The Responsibility of Being a Parent
Man, who takes the responsibility of being the successive authority on the earth the moment he is created, assumes new roles and new responsibilities as his life continues. Being a parent is one of the most pleasant and at the same time heaviest responsibilities that a person can undertake. This new responsibility to be undertaken after the marriage takes place and the responsibility of being a wife includes many blessings and beauties besides the difficulties.
It will be possible for man to remove his desire for eternal permanence from being an ambition, to realize the task of rendering the earth prosperous in accordance with his creation, and to leave permanent traces after himself. With no doubt, the best meaningful and precious that trace man can leave on earth is a child.
Children, who will keep the deceased person's book of deeds open even after death, can contribute to the servitude process of their parents from the very beginning. Because the parent will face the necessity of being a good person in order to raise a good person who will witness the miracle of creation. While striving to raise a good son, this conscious parent can also succeed in being a better person. In addition, this difficult task also gives parents great honor. In a verse, it is said:And we have enjoined upon man [care] for his parents. His mother carried him, [increasing her] in weakness upon weakness, and his weaning is in two years. Be grateful to Me and to your parents; to Me is the [final] destination. (Luqman, 31/14)
Being a parent requires respect and reverence, but it does not reduce our religious responsibility, on the contrary, it increases our responsibility. (Tahrim, 66/6) In order not to be one of the parents who are indebted to their children on the Day of Judgment, the rights of the children should be protected and duties towards them should not be neglected. Based on the rights of the child over the parents, the duties of the parents are as follows:
a. It is possible to start the duties of the parents before the birth of the child. The duties in the first stage are to marry with a legitimate marriage, to be fed with halal income and to pray. Legitimate marriage will ensure the protection of the legal rights of the child to be born and will allow him to grow up in a home with his parents. Spouses should be prepared for the duty of parenthood in a clean way by consuming halal blessings with the earnings they have earned through halal ways. (Baqarah, 2/168)
Parental responsibility continues with what they eat, look, listen and talk during pregnancy. In this period, positive speeches, tilawah of the Qur'an, good words will contribute to the education of the baby before he is born. Again, it is necessary to make du'a (pray) for the baby to be born in this period. Maryam's (Mary) mother is a good example of the Qur'an in this regard. [Mention, O Muhammad], when the wife of 'Imran said, "My Lord, indeed I have pledged to You what is in my womb, consecrated [for Your service], so accept this from me. Indeed, You are the Hearing, the Knowing." (Al-i ‘Imran, 3/35)
b. With the birth of the baby, new responsibilities begin for the parents. When the baby is born, parents should not discriminate between boys and girls, and should not question the divine power by staying away from these age of ignorance customs. (Nahl, 16/58-59; Zuhruf, 43/17) As a sign of gratitude to Allah (swt) who bestows this unique blessing, if possible, the aqiqah sacrifice should be performed (Bukhari, Aqiqah, 2) and the child should be given a beautiful name. (Abu Dawud, Adab, 61)The Messenger of Allah (saw) not only warned the child to be given a beautiful name, but also changed the bad and negative names. This shows that the name to be given to the child should be chosen carefully.
c. In infancy, it is necessary to meet the physical and emotional needs, and to develop exemplary behaviors and habits as parents. Compassion in infancy and love in childhood should be the basic principle of parents. Because this bond of compassion and love to be established will be the most important power in the relationship of the child with his parents, especially in more difficult processes such as adolescence. It is possible to observe this approach in the practices of the Messenger of Allah (saw). He said: “When I stand for prayer, I intend to prolong it but on hearing the cries of a child, I cut it short, as I dislike to trouble the child's mother.”(Bukhari, Adhan, 65) The fact that He prayed even though His granddaughter Umama, who was born from His daughter Zaynab, was in his arms, is important in terms of revealing how tolerant the Messenger of Allah (saw) was to children. (Bukhari, Salat, 106)
Parents should joke with their children, spend time together, be tolerant and consider them interlocutors. In this way, the child who is addressed by his parents will be self-confident and will be able to develop good and positive relations with his family. As a matter of fact, it is known that the Messenger of Allah (saw), the best example, visited children, asked them about their health, chatted and joked with them.
d. Ensuring justice among children is also one of the rights of the child over the parents. For whatever reason, parents should not do injustice between children. The Messenger of Allah (saw) has important warnings in this regard. One day, a Companion named Bashir stated that he wanted to give some of his wealth to his son Nu'man and asked the Messenger of Allah (saw) to testify to this situation. Upon this, Prophet Muhammad (saw) asked him "Have you done the same with every son of yours?" As he replied “No” , Prophet Muhammad (saw) stated “Fear Allah, and observe equity in case of your children.” (Muslim, Hiba, 13)
e. Another duty of the parents towards the growing child is to give him the right education and upbringing. In accordance with the following verse, moral and behavioral education should be emphasized in childhood: “O you who have believed, protect yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is people and stones"(Tahrim, 66/6) “There is no gift that a father gives his son more virtuous than good manners.”(Tirmidhi, Birr, 33) This hadith of the Prophet Muhammad (saw) reminds us that it is necessary to strive to raise out children with morality rather than to increase the wealth they will inherit.
A correct education and upbringing is possible with the recognition of the child first. Each age period has its own unique nature, needs and characteristics. These characteristics should be known and attitudes and methods should be developed accordingly. In addition to the age characteristics of the child, personal differences and characteristics should be well known. Every person's character is different. This can also be noticed in children, even if they are still in the formation phase of their character. It is necessary to take this aspect of a child with a high level of anxiety into account, be careful when criticizing an insecure child, and carefully select expectations from a perfectionist child. The best person to know these aspects of a child is the parent who establishes a healthy relationship with their child. In order to get to know the character of our children, it will be necessary to spend regular and quality time with them. Planning age-appropriate activities with children will enable to spend quality time, chatting with them at every opportunity, listening to what they have to say with an active listening will also make it easier for parents to get to know their children. If possible, a special time should be reserved for these conversations, if not, every opportunity should be utilized. Coinciding meal times, short encounters on the way to and from school, grocery shopping, time spent in the car, etc. should be accepted as opportunities for conversation, and no moment spent together should be sacrificed for television, the Internet and mobile phones. Because our child, whom we neglect to talk today, will not have the time and desire to listen to us tomorrow.
In order to get to know our children and increase our emotional sharing, the following principles should be considered in the conversations we have with them:
1. Tirade, judging, threatening and criticizing should be avoided in speech.
2. Criticism or praise to be made when necessary should be directed to the behavior of the child, not to the personality of him/her.
3. There should be no cynical attitude towards the child.
4 Parents should use constructive language.
5. The child should not be blamed for his wrong behavior, he should be guided towards the right behavior.
6. The child should be helped to express himself, and the satisfaction of the conversation with him should be made.
The education and upbringing to be given to our child will only be effective if the parents are role models. It is very important that we have the behaviors and attitudes that we want to bring in him. Because children pay more attention to their parents' actions than their words. For this reason, the consistency of the parent's words and actions is essential.
On the other hand, it is clear that the child cannot trust any word of his lying parents. In this regard, a situation experienced by Layla bint Abi Hathma, a Companion who migrated to both Medina and Abyssinia, during a visit to the Prophet Muhammad (saw) is important in terms of showing how much care should be taken in the words to be said to children. This female Companion called her child, saying that she would give him something to silence him. Our beloved Prophet (saw) asked her what she gave to her child and then said: "If you were not to give him anything, a lie would be recorded against you." (Abu Dawud, Adab, 80)
f. Responsibilities play an important role in the development of children. For this reason, the child should be given duties and responsibilities appropriate to his age. A child whose responsibilities and duties are clear will not have difficulty in discipline and time management. Learning to take on duties and responsibilities at home, especially before the process of getting used to ritual prayer, will contribute to the child's adaptation to this worship. At this point, the child can be given responsibility from the age of 2-3 with tasks appropriate for his age. With increasing age, the tasks may increase and gain variety. On the other hand, the family and the house should have rules, and the child should have clear information about these rules. It should not be forgotten that the child who does not have a sense of rule in the family may have difficulties in understanding and applying the rules and principles of religion as well as social life.
g. Children grow up healthy like flowers when they are taken care of. For this reason, it is necessary to take care of them, to be busy with their situation at school, friendships, morale and emotional states. This interest is much more necessary and indispensable especially for those living in countries with different cultures and religions. Because the child's most basic link with his religion, language and culture is his family. The child who establishes close ties with his family will also establish strong and unbreakable ties with his culture, religion and language.
h. Parents should show more understanding and respect to their children during their youth, whom they treated with love and compassion in infancy and childhood. Because the youth period, which starts with adolescence, contains many differences. In adolescence, situations such as the desire for loneliness, a general reluctance, opposition to society and authorities, increased emotionality, and decreased self-confidence may occur. Young people who want to be recognized as an individual and to have their own existence and personality accepted are waiting for respect and support. The first to show this respect and support should be the family of the young person. Eliminating this expectation of the young person outside of his/her family may adversely affect family ties and may also cause the young person's youth energy and emotions to be abused. That is why organizations and different structures use young people and choose their target group. Families' trust, respect and support for young people will also prevent such negative situations. The Prophet Muhammad (saw) gave important tasks to His young Companions and supported them by trusting them.
The most basic point in all these efforts is not to forget that raising children is a teamwork. It is essential that spouses and relatives try to raise the child in agreement on common ground. For this reason, conflicts and different opinions between spouses, if any, should be resolved in environments where there is no child. Spouses should not criticize each other in the presence of children, and should avoid conversations that would undermine each other's authority. Because such behaviors will cause a decrease in the child's trust in his parents, and this approach will harm the whole family.
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